How do I become Hindustani again?

When Jhadten organized a spiritual trip to India in 2006, I knew I had to go.
Under the hot sun, I sit in a basket on the back of an elephant. Kirsten, a woman from Nijmegen who joined the trip, sits next to me. We gently rock from side to side as the elephant carefully carries us up to the temple at the top of the mountain.
The elephant lowers its legs so I can get off. Slowly, I walk toward the entrance of the temple. Suddenly, in front of the statue of a Hindu goddess I don’t know, I stop.
My feet feel stuck to the ground. I stand there, unable to move..

“Betie, do a puja for me here.” Nanie is here! I hear her voice. She passed away twenty years ago, but suddenly she makes her presence known in India. I’m overwhelmed but fulfill her request. Moved, I buy flowers from one of the many vendors and lay them at the feet of the goddess.

“This is Durga. She is one of our most important Hindu Goddesses,” says a voice beside me. I turn and see our guide Amar standing next to me. I tell him what just happened. He nods and leaves me alone to honor Nanie’s wish. I begin singing ‘Om Namah Shivaya’ and the Gayatri mantra from my heart, repeating them several times. A wave of joy and love rushes through my body. Nanie is back! Through this puja, she helps me connect with the Mother Goddess Durga. Mata Durga, or Mother Goddess Durga, is depicted with many arms, each holding a symbolic object or weapon. These symbols were given to her by other gods. With them, she is well equipped to battle evil and restore justice in the world. She also represents Shakti, the divine feminine power.

“Forgive me, Nanie, for not being there when you died. I only found out after you were already buried,” I whisper with tears in my eyes. “I’m so glad you’re with me.”

The next day, I find myself with our travel group near the Brahma Temple, which stands on a small island. It’s not open to the public. My heart suddenly beats faster, my thoughts fade. There is only silence within me. My heart fills with an overwhelming, soft flow of energy. Tears of emotion stream down my cheeks.

Once again, I hear Nanie’s voice. “Betie, do a puja for me here too. I need to restore my connection with Bharat.” Bharat is the Sanskrit name for India. I enlist a pandit, a Hindu priest, to help me perform a puja for Nanie to restore her link with India. The pandit asks me questions in Hindi. Since I only understand a few words, I give all the wrong answers. Embarrassed, I ask Amar to translate for me. I comfort myself with the thought that India has hundreds of dialects. I do my best not to be exposed for my lack of language skills. But not everyone is fooled. “Sister, do you speak Spanish? Your Hindi is no good,” some Indians say to me. It sounds funny, but I can taste the sting. Will I ever truly feel Hindustani?

(Read the full story from page 137 in the book Peace with Your Origins)